This year I promised myself that I would be fearless and because of that I don't mind writing to you through a veil of tears or admitting my experiences with doubt. Last week, was horrific for me. I like to believe that I am hopeful when it comes to humanity, I expect aside from all else for people to do things that are morally right; and last week, I rediscovered that the majority won't. This world is manipulated under the dominion of man and there isn't anything Holy or perfect about that. I was left in a space of discomfort to the point of sickness. I was confused and feeling let down. This would count as the first time in a very long time that to me, God didn't make sense.
I felt like King David in the book of Psalm when he asks God:
"how long shall I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrows in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?"
How could God, the creator of ALL allow evil to triumph over good? He has the power to intercede and to make every wrong right, but where was he? I needed him. I searched for God high and low in desperation. I read my bible, prayed and even connected to a new devotional plan but I still felt uneasy. The error in my actions was distrust in God and also human anger that tainted the contents of my heart. I wanted God to negate the situation in a way that I saw fit, I'm sure that didn't surprise Him and my certainty matched the same on his displeasure with me. I am now 7 days’ post incident and the smoke is clearing, I can understand the many indications that were missed during my dance of doubt. In place of my anger I should have prayed a genuine prayer over my disturbances. I know that when I part my lips to speak with God there is an authoritative power that commands action. Instead, I preyed on the basis that evil would be punished and that I'd get to witness. I could have deflected all negativity from my being by simply accepting the new mercies brought to me every day and making the most out of the twenty-four that I'd been gracefully granted. Instead, I retraced the dissatisfaction I'd felt in the days before with my memory and I entertained conversations that were rooted in dislike. I could have accepted that I'd done all that I could, and left the rest for God. Instead I badgered Him. I now realize that my doubt in God fueled from my desire to fight fire with fire. My heart hasn't been pure, I've been a raging fire. Because my heart wasn't focused on the things of God he couldn't show himself. We do this often, when things don't go in a way anticipated by us, we develop doubt that essentially rolls out the red carpet for Satan. I'm blessed to be surrounded by people who care about my faith, it is a great hope of mine to be able to extend that feeling of compassionate concern to you all, by sharing with you what my loved ones have shared with me.
If you have ever doubted God or experienced a season of confusion here is how to avoid it.:
Remember, the enemy knows our weaknesses and he uses them to distract us from God. (1 Peter 5:8) When trials come, find the positive factor to focus on even if it's the most minuet detail of an overall view. (1 Thessalonians 5:18) Stay connected to God with pure and true intentions, understand that our ways are not his ways and our thoughts are not his thoughts. (Psalm 119:105) Lastly, trust Him. (Psalm 33:4-6) The lyrics to the song "Do It Again" bring me so much comfort, they are a reminder that God won't fail us, He's The God of promise.
" I've seen You move, You move the mountains. And I believe, I'll see You do it again. You made a way, where there was no way. And I believe, I'll see You do it again."
Yes! Even when we can't see the fruition of his plan he is still at work, never failing.